016

Maybe I should write something nice.

 Instead of writing depressing shits 'cause, that's like digging myself deeper right?

Yes, that's right. I should not waste my time reflecting on sad thoughts, I should be more positive and have a fun outlook on life, not the pessimistic bitch that thinks everything is a trash and a waste of time.

Correct correct.

and I must start by reviewing my english lessons. My grammar sucks.

015

I just realized after scanning my previous entries, this blog is nothing but my ride to the depressing place in my life.

Honestly, its almost 2 months since my last entry, I thought that this feeling of loneliness and depression will sleep forever but I am so devastated that my supposedly great escape to this world and reality will be the one who will wake this feeling up.


Now the feeling of helplessness is back.


again, I want someone to just check up on me.


again, i want someone to pull me out from the darkness.


Now, I just want someone to ask  me if I'm alright?



That pain of being lonely is back.





How the hell did I pushed this feeling away? How did I lived those two months without feeling an ounce of sadness? How did I manage to be happy?



Why am I so confused?




I am everywhere and nowhere.




I am here yet I am lost.





I know the answer but I don't know it.




Everything about me is contradicting.






Please, someone, please.

014

He arrived, appearing blissful like nothing happened, like nothing is still happening, like he did not even made a huge gap between him and us.

He provided everything, everything we ask, he'll buy, everything we want, he'll provide.

But it's not enough,

Physically he is with us, but his heart and mind is in somewhere else.

I can sense his betrayal, I can sense his infidelity and it hurts so much whenever she pushed him to be honest yet he neither deny nor admit.


Seven years of disloyalty.


I don't want to hate him, but I don't want to leave her by herself, bearing the pain alone. I can't afford to see her crying and hurt.


I don't know what to believe anymore,

I don't know what to feel anymore.

The air is heavy at this haven.


My day is to come, celebrating it will be very painful for me. Knowing that both of them just act, pretending that nothing's happening between them.



Everything is crumbling, nothing is intact anymore.


My only wish will be....to have a power. a chance to bring everything back to normal, to make this pain go away. to make this longing fade. To smooth all the wrinkles.



Gone are the flaws


and



welcome back sincere smiles and honest hearts.

Gone are the tears of sadness


and



be replaced by tears of joy.


I don't want to feel this again, I don't want to be suffocated by this thick ambiance of pessimistic thoughts and unfaithfulness.





We're drowning.



Please



Bring us back to normal.




Please.






Please.







Please.







Make me believe that everything will be alright,







That everything will be back.






Please.


















































Make my family whole again.




I beg you.

013

What's happening, everything is crumbling. I am trying to build a wall, brick by brick, layer by layer, that will block all the incoming pains but still, one shot, and everything falls. One sob from her, my act of bravery vanished.

I want to cry, the heavy feeling in my chest is so intense, I want to stabbed it to make the pain go away.

I want to have Mara Dyer's power, to be able to kill someone just by thinking about it, I want to find my own Noah who can make me feel satisfied, happy...complete.


I have company yet I felt so...alone.

My feelings of disappointments, depression, confusion, frustration and grief is piling up, I want to share it to someone, but I'm lonely. When I'm starting to trust someone they will just leave me alone, when I try to open up, they don't understand, When I try to express my feelings they just block it. I can't do anything about it.



 I'm desperate.



I want to go away, to fade away and go to other timeline or place, a better place that will prevent these things from happening. I just want to disappear.


I want to be happy,


I don't want to be alone,

Help me. PLEASE, HELP ME.

012

I'm feeling neutral, I really need to meet someone who will make me feel an extraordinary feeling.

011

No matter how hard I try, I am not going to standout, I was made to be just in the middle. I'm an average, I am anything but unique.

My insecurities are swallowing me, and I'm drowning.

010

Last night, I wished that I have that someone whom I will be more than willing to dance with, but I guess last night is not the right time, obviously, the one for me is not in that place.

I just hope that we're wishing the same thing.

Please hurry up, whoever you might be.